


dave learns about horns

by Rine (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Culture, Gen, horn discussion, read the notes, this is just garbage i wrote in 2013 so its not good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 13:52:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12632373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Rine
Summary: Dave is bored and learns about horns.





	dave learns about horns

**Author's Note:**

> before you read this, know that:  
> \- i wrote this in October 2013  
> \- i would've been 14 then  
> \- i am 18 now  
> \- therefore, this isnt indicative of my actual writing skill level now, its actually pretty bad. i strongly suggest you read this only when youre really, really bored  
> \- it's kind of unfinished but it's finished enough that i decided to post it anyway, because i've been clearing out my old files and i laughed at this one when i was rereading even though im not really into homestuck anymore.  
> have fun

Even though Dave placed on his usual facade of not-giving-a-fuck-about-anything-around-him, it was impossible for ANYONE to sit on a space rock for three years with literal aliens and not want to find out about them. Apparently Rose and Kanaya were spending some time doing just that but judging by their reluctance to share any information, Dave suspected they'd mostly been kissing and doing other xenogirlfriendy things. He wasn't about to get into that.

Dave was actually walking through the corridors when he came up with a solution to his need for knowledge.

"Karkat!" he yelled. "Hey Karkat, wanna do something?"  
Dave waited a few seconds. In one of the rooms next to him he could hear a shuffling noise and someone holding their breath. For some absurd reason Karkat didn't want to spend time in his presence - Dave couldn’t think why. He scowled.  
"You asked for it," he muttered, drawing a deep breath.

"LOOK, IT'S TROLL WILL SMITH!" Dave exclaimed, pointing wildly at nothing and being sure to be over dramatic. Karkat literally shot out of his room.  
"WHERE?- oh. It's you again. Stop being such a douche!" Karkat grumbled. He turned to go back into his respiteblock but Dave grabbed his shoulder.

"Hey Karkles-"

"Don't call me that."

"Kark."

"Fuck no."

"Karbro"

"Don't even fucking-" Karkat was beginning to raise his voice. Shit, that was something Gamzee said. Better back down a bit.

"Ok I get it, no silly nicknames.” Dave said, raising his hands in mock surrender. But you're bored shitless, yeah? I don't even need to ask that question. Anyway, I have a burning curiosity." Dave said nonchalantly. Karkat just stared at him. God his eyes were so fucking creepy. Dave thrust his hands into his pockets and maintained his poker face.

"Gee, what are you curious about Dave? I give so many shits!" Karkat said sarcastically.

"Trolls."

"That's a really big fucking question! Can you narrow it the fuck down?" Karkat snapped. Dave rolled his red eyes behind his mirror shades.

"I wanna know how different our species really are." Dave said.

"Well fi-" Karkat started.

"And don't start me on that quadrants bullshit, I get it. I mean, as much as a human can actually get the concept of boning someone you hate." he was quick to cut him off. "Tell me about... I dunno, troll horns. Those are some cool shit, why don't we have them?" Dave asked, folding his arms and tapping his foot. Karkat dragged him inside his respiteblock and they sat down on the unused bed and Dave resisted the urge to make an innuendo. Karkat fixed him with a glare.

"Ok first we need to lay down some rules. Number one; You will not ask me about troll genitals! Next!" Karkat said firmly.

"Man..."

"Number two, you will let me ask about human culture and you will not be a sarcastic bulgemunch. None of this "North American hollering phallus baboon" bullshit like you pulled with Terezi." he said.

"I don't even remember doi-"

"Number three!" he continued, counting on his fingers. "If you try to touch my horns I will bite you."

"Wait, Karkat, haven't you got really stumpy teeth?" Dave frowned. Karkat opened his mouth.

"Ok, no horn touching!" Dave said quickly. Christ.

"Ok, now that's clear, ask me any questions you want. Go."

Dave leaned back against the wall, folding his arms behind his head and thought about a good question - now that he had the opportunity to ask, they'd all jumped out of his mind like a fly leaping from a slimy green cowshit. After a short moment, Dave did eventually recover one of his flies- er, questions.

"So Karkat, I got a question. Can you actually feel anything through your horns?" Dave asked. They honestly just looked like orange lumps, and Dave didn't get how Karkat was so adamantly against people touching them.

"Yes," he snapped. "A fucking lot. Trolls have very sensitive horns, and Tavros told me that smacking one into a doorframe is the most painful shit you're ever gonna feel." He said.

"Who's Tavros again?"

"The one Terezi draws in brown. His horns were two feet long and stuck out the sides of his head like an Earth human bull."

"Holy shit." he paused to allow it to sink in.

"Ok, so what's with all the different shapes? And why are yours so nubby dude?" He asked. Karkat contemplated biting him, but decided just to glare for a bit.

"Nobody really knows why they're all so different, but it sure makes buying clothes really fucking difficult. The different shapes are probably to do with blood caste but some high bloods have tiny horns, and some lowbloods have huge ones, so who the fuck knows. They're apparently supposed to be for fighting, but with horns like mine, I'd just get stabbed in the vision nuggets." Karkat paused for a moment. "Vriska was fond of fighting with her horns, and it was fucking terrifying."

Dave nodded, looking at him from over his shades. Karkat seemed to be relaxing despite his bitter and disinterested tone. "They've probably got different functions or something. We used to hang lanterns on Tavros' horns." Karkat said. His eyes looked fond and he probably would've smiled just then if he wasn't Karkat Vantas.

"But yeah," he said. He drew himself out of his reverie and sat up. "Attractiveness can be rated by horn size." he said with a heavy exhale.  
Dave gave him a confused stare. "The fuck? I’m gonna need some clarification bro."

Karkat gave a growling sigh. "The larger horns you have, the more sexually attractive you are deemed. Small horns are apparently 'cute' and blunted horns like these are a mutation which nobody knows what the fuck to do with!"

"Terezi thinks you're adorable, bro. 'S that why?" Dave asked. Karkat gave another long suffering sigh and a nod. "And Gamzee and Tavros caused a few troll boners?" Dave suggested. Karkat glared.

"Tavros could hardly walk down the fucking street without getting whistled at." He began, then laughed harshly and stopped himself. "He was also a paraplegic."

Dave chuckled at that. "Man, that's not even funny," he said, still grinning slightly. "You're an asshole dude."

"Fuck you, shitmuncher." Karkat said. He was definitely grinning slightly and Dave ruffled his thick, black hair, still laughing. 

“You know, you’re actually a pretty cool dude.” Dave began, but soon cut himself off with a load yelp of “OW SHITFUCKING-!”

For Dave’s hand had rubbed against the sensitive red base of Karkat’s horn. It was an interesting texture, not unlike that of the horn of a goat, but Dave didn’t get to feel it for very long before sharp troll teeth sank into his wrist.

“Get your sharp-ass teeth out of my fucking hand, or I swear to shit I will end you Karkat I’m gonna-” 

Dave breathed out as Karkat withdrew his teeth. A small stream of red blood dripped across the serrated edge of his fang. Hold on. Serrated?

Jesus Christ.


End file.
